Our Story from my Point (Tulisan Suami di Tumblr)

Distance…

Long distance…

Impossible?

How can I call our story? I can find many words if I think for a while… Forget it; I just want to share some feelings. Just feelings… I’ve been thinking for a few days about what would I write. I had a desire to write, but I really don’t know what happened to me after translating and reading all of Dea’s post… You know I also just learned something about us, from that post. I don’t know what happened to my desire, but I didn’t feel like writing tonight… I won’t post it maybe, just send to her…

Has been more than one year. I saw a pair of eyes. Shining…. With a smile, as beautiful as the eyes.

I couldn’t realize the feeling at that time. I was just amazed by her eyes and smile. A brown girl. From Indonesia… Yes, it’s her… Added me on facebook, just for fun maybe. To some extent, she achieved her goal. We enjoyed a great fun together. If we forget our hard times. She knows it well, because I wrote to her before, when I declared my love. I don’t like one kind of people who add every people on facebook, just to have many friends. Add (want to be friend) but never talk. It was just nonsense for me.

Actually that year, second year of my education in Ankara was highly busy and I didn’t access to internet every time I needed, and I used facebook just rarely. One day when I wanted to check my fb account, I saw a friend request, from a foreigner girl… Who was she? I was a little bit surprised and tried to guess the reason why she added me. I saw we had two mutual friends. But I didn’t find a reason. I looked at her photos… WOw! There are many… I started to look… look… look… looked so much. Many of them were with friends. Most of them were cute girls wearing hijab. But… One smile and a pair of eyes… Yes, there was something different with them. I don’t know what but I know so well that they were different from the others, maybe just for me…

I waited for a while. Maybe she could tell the reason why she added me. Waited for about 2,5 months :) Then I started to greet… She’d written “Knows Turkish Language” in her information. So I guessed she could speak Turkish and decided to greet her in Turkish;

"-Merhaba"

"-hello Dea or what your friends call you… I just wanted to talk in order not to imprison you only to the "friends" frame and I’ll be pleased if you reply."

"-hei mustfa”

I sent a few more messages but she was busy or LAZY to answer me :)

"I understood that you’ll not answer unless I ask twice I think the Indonesian don’t like talking much"

We talked just a few more sentences… Until something happened. I really don’t know the reason, really don’t know. But I saw a dream. We were sitting on a floor with some Indonesian and Turkish boys and girls. I don’t remember the faces well. But I felt one of them was her… Dea. She called my name in my dream “-Mustafa”… But there were two Mustafa in that place. I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know why I saw such a dream. Really couldn’t understand the reason. And I really don’t know how I found the brave to tell this dream to her… Maybe she would think I was lying, maybe she would think I liked her… So the second one happened :)

This dream… really changed everything. Everything in my life, in her life. She started to talk more with me. Asked about my dream, what I saw? Why I dreamed about her? I didn’t reply well, because I also didn’t know the reason. I just told “subliminal”… She said the same sentence two times “Maybe you like me” and laughed… Actually I got angry at that time. "uhh… what a brave girl! we just met and started to talk, how she could say this to me?!" but I replied her kindly. I didn’t say “I don’t like you” because it would be a lie :D I just said" :) what made you laugh such way. I didn’t say I like you. And I think it would be not funny even if I had said. Would it? :) "

The turning point in my life, and in our friendship. We started to talk more and more, day by day…

Knowing her better made my feelings stronger and deeper. A cheerful girl knowing how to enjoy this life, and having a faith inside. There is a different word in Indonesian language: "kepo". The meaning is like being curious about someone and trying to know every detail. I really “kepo” about her so much. I looked every photo, try to understand every status she shared. First on facebook, then on twitter. Everything was going well, I liked her more and more as the time passed. But there was another thing that made me really fall in love with her… It was her desire to touch a flower, tulip. She was so innocent, so pure. In love with a flower, tulip. My country’s… She made me fall with her words and innocence. You may find it strange but I spent many hours searching international florists to find a tulip to send her… But I couldn’t, I just promised that I would give her one if she comes to my country.

We started to share many things… Watched same movies, listened same songs, talked about love, marriage, even polygamy. I know it was obvious from my attitude towards her that I was in love. But I was so shy to tell her. Sometimes I felt she was so close to me, and she also liked me. But if it was just a delusion? If there was someone in her heart? If If If If… There were many questions in my mind. They were hard times for me, I wanted to be sure about her, but I was so confused. We grew our friendship… And I found two counselors for me :) My dear friends Enise and Sefa :) They were my oceans to pour my heart out…

She was in love with Turkiye, I was in love with her. She had a dream, to marry a Turkish. My dream was marrying her. Six months as two close friends… All our experience was so exciting, step by step…

Every time I saw a message on my Facebook, I hoped it was her… “Dea!”. I was happy like a child when she sent sms to me. Just a selam from Indonesia :) One day I sent a message to her on fb, as usual. She said "Hey! Use whatsapp".“Whatsapp??” what was it??  She wanted me to greet her saying “whats up?”… I was confused.

"Ok. Whats up?"…

"Use whats up Mustafa…"

"Ok whats up then?"

"We can connected :) "

I really didn’t understand anything. I made a search… Omg :D It was a chatting software working on smart phones. But I didn’t have a smart phone :/ So…? I was dying to talk with her every time… So I had to buy a smart phone! I decided.

"Ok wait. I will buy a new phone and use in a few days"

She was shocked to hear this and asked "Just for me or your wish?"

I can swear that it was just for her. But I said "Both" :)

"Oh my god :o" she just said…

I bought a smart phone. Samsung. Looking like hers :) We started to chat on whatsapp… She said “use Line”… “So?”, “We can talk” … Ok. I downloaded and started to use. One morning, she called me via Line. Oh Allah! I was so excited! I just woke up! My voice was so really bad! I didn’t up her call… She called again and again. I up :) But we couldn’t hear each other… There was something wrong. We tried another time, failed again… But there was another feature of this software :) Sending voice message. I sent my voice to her. She replied… I cannot explain my feelings. Really exciting, beyond limits. My hands were shaking, my heart was about to go out of my chest! Oh Allah… I felt that she was also excited! You can’t guess my feelings when she recorded a video for me, nor I can explain…

All was well. We were sharing many things. We were three close and good friends now. She, I and Sümeyya :) Her little cookie :) So my oceans? What was their opinion? They forced me so much, encouraged. But I was so afraid. If I was wrong? If I was just a normal friend for her? "Who can share such things with a normal friend!" said one of my oceans :) But I was still confused. Because everything was not good actually. What was the problem? Other men… And an ex… Just a tweet, and a man who wrote a poem for her. “Ok I failed! There is another in her heart!”. My oceans… Where were they? What happened to their advices? All didn’t work. I lost. So I got a helping hand. It was my ocean again. “Ok! You go on not talking with her… So another man can win!”. Oh Allah… What could I do if such a thing would happen? Just because I’m a coward! But I was still confused…

My feelings got bigger and bigger inside. A burden on my shoulders… I couldn’t feel the strength to hold this anymore. I remembered a conversation between us. A sweet conversation that made my heart ready to fly…

"boys must be brave enough"

"woman must be strong to wait"

"are u strong enough?"

"insyaAllooh"

She was strong. But was I brave enough? Yes I was… I decided to tell… Tell everything, tell I love her, I wanna marry her… Now the question was “when?” and “how?”… I had to choose the best time and way. It was so near to her birthday. Yes! I found the time! Her birthday… I decided to tell, although my dear friend Sümeyya drew a desperate picture for me, about this :P :) And although she found a Turkmen studying in her campus, just for fun but making me confused… I met that man later in Indonesia. Really nice man sharing the same world-view with me…

A few days before her birthday. I asked help from my dearest friend, Birol :) He accepted. We would meet and do something for me, maybe a video, maybe another thing. I searched for a bouquet of tulips in Ankara. But it was not tulip season. So I bought roses, different colors… I looked so strange with a bouquet of roses in Kızılay, walking alone… I went to Birol’s house. It was an awkward scene :D His friend opened the door, saw me with flowers and a pepee doll :D was really funny :D we spent some time… Ok! It was time to write something. I took a paper and a pen, went to another room. Just wrote what I was feeling… From the beginning. So simple but they were all what I felt. Ok. Just this…

The most exciting times of my life. Waiting for her birthday to come. Yes, it came finally. But I couldn’t find a time to write my letter in a better form. There were just a few minutes for her birthday to end. I wrote, and sent to her. She was sleeping and I was busy. I came home late, thinking about her answer… I was so ready for a “no” but hoping for a “yes”. Just a “yes” would make me the happiest man ever.

The time came… She woke up. Read my letter. “So brave this time”… Yes! I was brave, I found the courage to tell everything. She just said “I accept your feelings to me”… So?? What does it mean?? Oh Allah! Did she say “yes” to me? Yeah, I can say it was “yes”… She was just afraid about our distance. She was right. It was impossible for her to wait for me forever…

So what would I do? I never planned this before. I never thought what would happen if she say “yes” to me. I really didn’t know what to do. We just went on talking, trying to know us better.

But… Those sweet times, the happiest times of my life got bitter. There was a sentence she repeated every day. "Don’t hope too much". How? How could I do this? We were so far. She was afraid of a new scar from another man. she didn’t want to hope so much in order not to be sad at the end. And one day, another man came out. Maybe in love with her. He wanted to spend time with her. She asked me permission. I gave some advice. Just this. she did another way. She said “yes” to me, but it was not like we were in relationship, not like I dreamed before. Sabar… The only thing that showed us these is my sabar (patience) at that time. I don’t know how I found that strength to be patient like that. I shared my feeling with a friend, Sümeyya, her cookie, my friend. “I think it will not last for so long”. “There is nothing to do then…” she said. She had to give a decision. A man from a country, far away… And another, so close to her, and serious.

But some things started to change… Maybe I prayed so much. Allah gave her love to me. She changed. Really changed. I was about to cry in front of my friends during a class, when she said "I love you" to me for the first time… In an unexpected time. All was becoming better. My patience gave its fruits. And the climax. Our first skype call. I was travelling, waiting for a bus. I went into a restaurant, ordered some food and opened my laptop, to see her. For the first time. It was a dream night. We were so shy. Smiling to each other. Everything was so nice… so sweet. We closed the skype, but opened a new page in our life. She cried, I don’t know why. She cried for me. We cried, in another time, together… I was on the bus, a stranger beside me, my hands full of tissue… We cried so long, looking at each other. We cried many times. We had many memories, although just on skype… Although we just lived all in a screen.

As our love grew, either the challenges along with it. We had bigger problems now. Families, flight, money, marriage… Both the families were reluctant at first. So what could help us again? Patience… Patience helped us again, to struggle against all problems. I collected money, she convinced her family, step by step. Many people didn’t believe us. Didn’t believe we will meet one day. Some didn’t want us to be together. But we were determined. We had already built our future. Gave the names of our children. We both knew that we would kill this distance, we just tried to keep calm.

The time came. All arrangements were done. Passport, ticket, money and support of some friends, families. Gifts for my second family, and some money to buy two rings that will show we belong to each other, we promised to each other. We call it “söz” in Turkish language. When a man proposes to the family of a woman, if they accept him, they give promise to each other, and wear a ring to show that.

I was so excited the night before my flight. I booked my ticket from Düzce to İstanbul for an early time. I couldn’t sleep that night. The last sahur night of Ramadan. I don’t remember how many times I jumped out of my bed. I cried listening a song. “Hasret”. It’s a special word for our people. That’s the feeling when you miss someone, someone far from you. Someone who you love. Would this “hasret” end? Would we meet just a few hours later? I didn’t sleep, nor did she. I took my bus to Istanbul. I arrived so early, waited many hours, and completed all the process. I was on plane. For the first time, for a long journey. For her…

I got a new friend on the plane, a nice man whose name is Ömer. He just married with a Malaysian woman. We were about to arrive at KL. Kuala Lumpur. Now I was closer to her. I remember the words of two of my friends. "Go once. You will understand me…" "How would you pay the cost of returning?". My new friend would say something similar. The hardship of a long distance relationship. Now it was the time to fly to Jakarta. Just 2 hours to see her…

We landed. A different place, full of green. I felt the moisture and hot weather when I got out of the plane. Passed the controls, took my visa from a rude policeman. Everything was done. A boy came near to me, when I was looking for my baggage. He was so happy to catch me, and looked at his friends like saying “I found one bule!” to them. Bule is the name Indonesian people say for foreigners, especially who have a white skin. Ok, I let him help me. we took my bag. Passed another control. I tried to give his money and send him. But he insisted on accompanying me. Tried to say something, but his English was so bad that I didn’t understand anything. I was so confused at that time. I gave some money to the boy, but he wanted more. “Ok” I said. I gave more. He was still bringing me somewhere… I was looking for her. A green dress and a cream color hijab. I didn’t see. I became more concerned, until suddenly I saw her in front of me.

She had a long green dress, with a cream colored hijab. As she told me before. That was a strange time. I couldn’t feel anything, or didn’t understand that feeling, was unique. She was not short as I thought, her skin was really brown. We couldn’t talk. Just some strange sounds…

"Heiiii"      

"Aaaaa"

So awkward…

We walked towards the car, her aunty and uncle greeted me. We sat together on the back side. She gave me some coffee. Cold… She knows that hot coffee makes me sick. We talked until we arrive home. It was like a dream. So strange. we were sitting beside each other. There was no screen. No skype. No computer…

So, that was the beginning of 10-dream-days… I found my Aisyah, he found her Fahri. Just like in our favorite movie… We lived many things in those 10 days. But it will take much time again to write, maybe another time…

She is climbing the highest mountain in Java now,

Semangat sayang :) Aku sayang kamu Audia…

Dıposkan di web mylongdistancestory.tumblr.com tahun 2013..

dıtulıs oleh Mustafa Kurşun